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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27980733">the grief inside your bones</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/celaenos/pseuds/celaenos'>celaenos</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Critical Role (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Cassandra de Rolo Needs a Hug, Critmas Exchange, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Holiday Fic Exchange, One Shot, Post-Campaign 1 (Critical Role), Siblings, Sister-Sister Relationship</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 16:54:30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,762</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27980733</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/celaenos/pseuds/celaenos</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“I’m going to name her Vesper,” Vex’ahlia says, soft, almost tentative. She clears her throat and adds, “we are. Vesper Eliana de Rolo.”</p><p>Cassandra sucks in a thick, ragged breath, not quite meeting Vex’ahlia’s eyes. She tries very hard to force the tone of her voice into something that is light and teasing. “Quite the double reputation for her to live up to.” From the way that she catches Vex’s tight wince out of the corner of her eye, she did not succeed. Even to her own ears, it sounds chastising.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Cassandra de Rolo &amp; Vex'ahlia</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>34</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Critmas Exchange 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>the grief inside your bones</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Costello_Music/gifts">Costello_Music</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>a small portion of this is lifted almost wholesale from another cass &amp; vex fic that I wrote a few years ago, bc it's a small little nugget of a headcanon that apparently I love dearly. so if a paragraph or two in the beginning there sounds a tinge familiar, that's why. </p><p>happy critmas!! i love writing about these two, thanks for giving me another chance to do so! i hope you enjoy&lt;3</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“I’m going to name her Vesper,” Vex’ahlia says, soft, almost tentative. She clears her throat and adds, “we are. Vesper Eliana de Rolo.”</p><p>Cassandra sucks in a thick, ragged breath, not quite meeting Vex’ahlia’s eyes. She tries very hard to force the tone of her voice into something that is light and teasing. “Quite the double reputation for her to live up to.” From the way that she catches Vex’s tight wince out of the corner of her eye, she did not succeed. Even to her own ears, it sounds chastising.</p><p>Cassandra sighs. <em>Fuck. </em>She has no unearthly idea how to interact with her sister-in-law. She is so <em>bad </em>at this now—family used to be as easy as breathing. Now, it’s the hardest thing she does.</p><p>Percival avoids her.</p><p>Cassandra doesn’t think that it is even something he is aware of himself doing; he’s always warm, if a bit awkward, whenever they’re forced to interact, as if he doesn’t know what to make of her anymore. She can tell that an apology is constantly perched on the tip of his tongue, like the time that he broke her doll when he tried to take it apart and see how it worked. It never walked correctly again—it always wobbled and jerked in a way that was deeply creepy for a small porcelain thing with its arms perpetually open wide. Cassandra had promptly thrown it at his head a few days later, and then Vesper helped her hold a funeral before they set it aflame in the woods down by the river.</p><p>(In case of ghosts, Cassandra had insisted. She had been obsessed with the idea of ghosts for three solid months, back then. She quizzed everyone daily over breakfast, in case of possession. Ironic, looking back on it now, considering that she knows Percy <em>was </em>possessed, for a bit there. The two of them are so overrun by the ghosts of Whitestone that it’s ridiculous).</p><p>Percy had tried to apologize to her for the doll’s demise for weeks, after. Cassandra knew; despite being a petulant six-year-old with a grudge, she could see the guilt wafting off of his sinewy twelve-year-old shoulders all the way from across the room. In the end, it took the combined efforts of the twins and Vesper’s exasperation to finally wrench the words out of Percival’s mouth and allow them to fall on Cassandra’s ears—after nearly a solid month of his avoidance and hesitation.</p><p>It was only about a <em>doll, </em>then.</p><p>Now, he is trying to find a way to apologize for leaving her for dead in the woods at age thirteen. For leaving her to take care of Whitestone, alone, at eighteen. For her part as a pawn with his fight with Vecna—for her <em>actual </em>death, age nineteen. For going off and marrying Vex’ahlia and not telling her about it until after he’d already done it, and now, for having a baby and wanting to name her after Cassandra’s favorite sister. Cassandra imagines that it will take him quite a while to get through the list of apologies, this time around. It doesn’t make his avoidance or awkwardness any easier for her to bear in the meantime, no matter how much she tries.</p><p>Vex’ahlia is even harder for her to figure out. Because Percival went and married her. Because now she is a part of Cassandra’s family, and Cassandra doesn’t know her that well at all, when it gets right down to it. Because she is grieving for her brother in a way that Cassandra both understands, and does not.</p><p><em>Because she reminds Cassandra of Vesper.</em> Gods, she reminds Cassandra of Vesper and now she wants her name, too. It isn’t fair.</p><p>But, most of all, because Percival lights up around her, becomes unburdened, almost, and Cassandra hates him for it—just a little.</p><p>Now, gods, now there is a <em>baby. </em>A niece. A little girl who is going to be given Vesper’s name and the legacy of Whitestone. Cassandra clenches her teeth and looks down at Vex’ahlia, at the little bundle that’s sleeping in her arms, and does her level best not to scream. She smiles and Vex’ahlia winces at the sight of it. So, she’s shown too many teeth, then. Gone feral, nothing loving in her at all—Delilah used to say, proud.</p><p>Cassandra clenches her fists and casts all thoughts of Delilah out of her skull.</p><p>“Wonderful,” Cassandra says and knows that both of them are pretending that she means it.</p><p>“Cassandra—” Vex’ahlia begins to reach for her and Cassandra quickly steps out of her grasp, watching as Vex’ahlia crumbles and tucks her hands back in her lap.</p><p>That has been happening a lot, too.</p><p>Cassandra doesn’t know <em>how </em>to stop flinching whenever people reach for her, it just… happens. Any touch, no matter how small or innocuous sends her flinching away from it like she’s been burned. It happens the most often with Vex’ahlia, in particular, and there are certainly a multitude of reasons that Cassandra could explore as to <em>why, </em>exactly, Vex’ahlia brings that reaction out of her if she were feeling so inclined, but, she is not. She cannot. Cassandra isn’t stupid. She knows, that if she opens up that dam, even just a little bit, then she’ll flood with it and never be able to close it back up again. A bell cannot be un-rung, and such.</p><p>“Darling, if you don’t want…” Vex’ahlia loses control of her voice—it turns brittle and breaks off, mid-sentence, as Cassandra flinches, hard, at the moniker. Delilah was the last person to ever call her that, and Cassandra snapped that fact out on one horrible, frigid night, about a month after the fight with Vecna. Vex’ahlia’s face had gone so white, so quickly, that it almost looked as if Cassandra had hauled off and slapped her. She is a coward, and she’s unwilling to process her feelings on any of these matters, and so, she had turned around and run right out of the room and avoided Vex’ahlia for a solid week. Cassandra knows every nook and cranny and tunnel inside of Whitestone and out, it was easy for her to move around undetected.</p><p>Except for that, Vex’ahlia—Cassandra sometimes forgets—is a huntress. It took her a week, but that’s far quicker than it would have ever taken most, Cassandra’s had <em>years </em>of practice slipping undetected around Whitestone, but Vex found her.</p><p>Cassandra had frozen at the sight of her in the eastern tunnel, and Vex’ahlia had let out a satisfied puff of breath. “Found you,” she declared, a small grin breaking out onto her face. Almost for a moment as though this had all been a game; Cassandra nearly smiled automatically in response before she caught herself. She could turn and run the other way if she wanted, but she knew that Vex’ahlia was fast and there was a determined set to her shoulders that suggested she would follow and not stop. This conversation couldn’t be put off any longer.</p><p>“How’s your afternoon?” Cassandra had asked, trying for casual politeness, as if the two of them found each other in the tunnels of Whitestone that only Cassandra knew about on a regular occurrence.</p><p>Vex’ahlia rolled her eyes and stalked forward and—gently—gripped Cassandra’s wrist, almost holding her in place and trying to comfort her simultaneously. “I’m sorry,” she said, no compunctions about it. Quick and simple and <em>sincere. </em>Cassandra couldn’t have dismissed the sincere warmth on her face even if she wanted to—she’d noticed that Vex’ahlia brought out that reaction in quite a lot of people. Try as she might, it’s very hard <em>not </em>to fall in love with Vex’ahlia.</p><p>“It’s alright,” Cassandra shrugged, trying to step out of Vex’ahlia’s searching gaze. The grip on her wrist tightened, not painfully, but there was a strength of force behind it.</p><p>“It’s not,” Vex’ahlia said. “I said something carelessly and it hurt you.”</p><p>Cassandra blew a strand of white hair out of her face, annoyed. “You couldn’t have known that’s what Delilah called me. I never talk about it. As I’ve said, apology accepted. It’s fine. Can we please just drop it?” She <em>hated </em>the plea in her tone, it made her sound eleven-years-old and petulant all over again.</p><p>“We could,” Vex’ahlia said, instead. “Talk about it, that is.”</p><p>It was the first time that Cassandra had truly seen Vex’ahlia look <em>unsure </em>and it threw her. “I… would rather not,” she croaked, not looking at Vex’ahlia's face at all. The hand on her wrist loosened, then Vex’s thumb rubbed a small circle, almost unconsciously, before finally letting her go.</p><p>“The offer still stands,” she insisted.</p><p>Cassandra could only nod. “I’m going back to my room,” she said, backing away and hating herself for putting that soft, sad look on Vex’ahlia’s face.</p><p>“Alright, dar—” Vex clamped her mouth shut. “See you later?”</p><p>“Sure.”</p><p>Cassandra had still avoided her, after that, but she had tried very hard to make it be less obvious.</p><p>She paid attention to Vex’ahlia in a way that she’s not sure she ever did with another person, before. She watched Vex’ahlia with Percival, how easy and natural their smiles came, around each other. She watched her give affection and chastisement aplenty, amongst her friends, how they all flocked to her. The castle servants were charmed by Vex’ahlia in a matter of weeks, the people of Whitestone not far behind. She is as charming as Vesper and Julius combined on her best days, and all of it is <em>sincere </em>and the people can feel that. Cassandra can feel it, even as she’s trying not to. Even though she is actively trying to harden her heart and avoid her sister-in-law, she’s still slipping past all of Cassandra’s defenses with almost ease, whether she can see it happening or not.</p><p>“I’m sorry—” Vex starts to say, now, and Cassandra quickly waves her off.</p><p>“It’s just a word,” she shrugs. “It’s fine.”</p><p>“I don’t mean to be—”</p><p>“Really,” Cassandra says. “I’ve decided to stop giving it any power. You can call me whatever you like. Darling included, if you must.”</p><p>Vex’ahlia looks up at her dubiously, but Cassandra stands her ground. It <em>is </em>stupid to flinch at a single word. It never bothered her before—she never even really <em>associated </em>it with Delilah while it was happening, only after, only once Vex had said it. Not even the first time—only after Vex had killed her. It’s not fair to Vex’ahlia, who has done nothing but try to <em>help </em>Cassandra’s family since the day that she met Percival. Vex’ahlia, who was the one to kill Delilah for her part in hurting them both.</p><p>Vex’ahlia, who killed <em>her, </em>too. Cassandra swallows thickly. Vex’ahlia, who was <em>tricked </em>into killing her. Vex’ahlia, who—according to Percival and also Keyleth, whom Cassandra had been eavesdropping on—still has nightmares about it, almost nightly, nearly a year later. Vex’ahlia, who seems to want nothing more than to figure out a way to close the gap between the two of them and to be Cassandra’s <em>family. </em>Vex’ahlia, who is so full of love that it almost pours out of her, if you’re paying attention. Cassandra has been paying attention.</p><p>Cassandra closes her eyes and pictures Vesper. Her Vesper. The original Vesper. Dead at twenty. In just a few short months, Cassandra will be older than Vesper ever was, and it’s a thought that won’t leave her alone. If she were here now, she would love Vex’ahlia. Cassandra knows this as easily as she knows that it will take Percival a few more months to finally stop being awkward and stupid. As easily as she would know that Oliver was going to grumble about having broccoli for dinner, or that Whitney would try to flirt with a solider when their father wasn’t looking, or that Julius would sneak her a treat at a party, or that Lu would steal one of her books and try to spoil the ending.</p><p>Vesper liked a lot of people. She could find good qualities in almost anyone, but she only ever <em>liked </em>and trusted a select few, and Cassandra knows, to her bones, that Vex’ahlia would make that list.</p><p>She says as much. An olive branch, or the beginnings of a dam opening, maybe.</p><p>Vex’ahlia goes white and quiet for a different reason, this time, gaping up at Cassandra with nothing short of shock, awed into silence. Cassandra grits her teeth and holds her gaze and doesn’t back away. <em>Can’t un-ring a bell, might as well power through it. </em></p><p>“I’m going to be older than she ever was, unless something kills me again in the next few months.”</p><p>At the word <em>again, </em>Vex’ahlia’s breath hitches painfully. “Cassandra, I am <em>so </em>sor—” her voice is like a small, kicked thing, trying not to get stepped on and Cassandra suddenly hates it so much her throat burns.</p><p>“I know,” she cuts her off. “I’m not… I don’t blame you,” she says, truthfully. “I never really did.” With her eyes closed, she can say it. “I’m… having trouble with, basically everything that’s happened to me since I was thirteen, and hardly any of it is actually about <em>you, </em>or your fault, or even… Percival’s, for that matter. It’s just… easier to pretend that’s the reason, I suppose. But it’s not fair, and I’ve been utterly terrible to you, and I’m sorry.”</p><p>“You don’t have to apologize.”</p><p>“Vesper would make me,” Cassandra says, with a shrug. “My mother would. I do. I’m angry about… a great many things, but that doesn’t mean that I can take it out on other people. And I have been. And I’m sorry.” Cassandra looks down at Vex’ahlia, quiet and shocked and confused and suddenly, it’s important that she keep going. Suddenly, the dam has burst and Cassandra doesn’t think she could stop herself even if she wanted to.</p><p>She doesn’t want to.</p><p>Cassandra swallows against a rough patch in her throat, reaches down, and brushes a single finger over the little bundle of skin sleeping in Vex’ahlia’s arms. It might be nice, to love another Vesper. It might take some of the sting away. She opens her mouth and means to say that, instead, it just comes right out, “I love you,” she hears herself say, and that suddenly leaves Cassandra standing outside of herself, watching the proceedings with frank concern as Vex'ahlia's whole face changes with the words. “I… mean, that, I… I’ve… um, I didn’t…”</p><p>Vex’ahlia places Vesper into her crib and pulls Cassandra into her arms in one swift fluid motion. Cassandra hardly even realizes that it’s happening, until she’s clutching at Vex’ahlia tightly, holding her back. “Cassandra,” her name is a sharp exhale, but Vex’ahlia continues on. “I love you, too,” she says. There’s more, but Cassandra doesn’t hear any of it after that. The last person to call her ‘darling,’ the last person to tell Cassandra that they loved her, was Delilah.</p><p><em>The last person before that, was Vesper. </em>Screams echoing throughout the castle walls, terrible, dark red blood spilling out of Vesper’s mouth, her hands shoving at Cassandra, screaming, <em>I love you. I love you, run. </em></p><p>There is something fitting about Vex’ahlia being the next person on that list, somehow. The three of them have tangled together inside of Cassandra’s mind in a confusing jumble that’s hard to navigate through, but she suspects that it will become a bit easier, after today.</p><p>“I like the name,” she says. “I think it’s a lot to live up to, but only in a good way.” It’s suddenly very important that Vex’ahlia knows this, that she doesn’t make her question the name of her daughter. Cassandra is never going to allow her niece to think that she didn’t love her from the start, name included.</p><p>“I’m glad,” Vex’ahlia says. “It’s only meant to honor… how important and loved they both were.” Her voice is now in pieces, leaking everywhere. Cassandra rubs her back in small cautious circles and Vex’ahlia hiccups, just a little, and leans into her touch. It’s <em>easy. </em>Cassandra rolls her eyes at herself, for making it so hard for so long when it didn’t have to be. Family used to be easy. She wants it to be that way, again.  </p><p>When she pulls back slightly from Vex’ahlia to look back up at her, Cassandra doesn’t have a smile like a clenched fist anymore. “It’s a good name,” she says, again.</p><p>Vex’ahlia’s smile cracks wide open and Cassandra breathes easier than she has in years.</p>
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